“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
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Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo