Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
You Might Also Like
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron