College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
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my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died