I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
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if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi