After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
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If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
shit just got real
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey