They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
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Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
apparently this year was written by stephen king
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
There are usually two types of merchants.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Watermelon Boss!