Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
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“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
You know…for fall…
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.