I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
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Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
But is it really??
Why is this me 😫
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.