I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
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Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.