I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
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Not😆🤣
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.