I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
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🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I’ve been drinking.
what’s the point then??
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.