I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
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doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?