cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
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Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Bruh PLEASE
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.