Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
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[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I’m going to need a moment here.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.