My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
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Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT