How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
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people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing