CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
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Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.