parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
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National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Fixed this for Shakespeare
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.