Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
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I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?