I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
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I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.