[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
You Might Also Like
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.