Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
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I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Home is where your toilet is.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting