People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
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break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building