[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
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Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
This headline is a thing of beauty
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.