Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
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*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
where do you see yourself in five years?
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share