50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
You Might Also Like
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.