ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
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If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
How to woo a woman
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”