What I say and what I mean are three different things.
You Might Also Like
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
the greatest twitter interaction
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.