Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
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Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
This is sending me to another galaxy