Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
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tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all