Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
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Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Birds & Planes.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married