My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
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I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
BETRAYAL
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.