a public service announcement
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People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Only Americans understand
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.