>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
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“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
i can’t wait that long
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.