How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
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First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”