not seeing the problem
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Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
titanic
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
new year update: losing everything but weight
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.