NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
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Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.