Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
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My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
this is 10/10 content no notes
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.