age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
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I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube