If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
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Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.