The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
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ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.