Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
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why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Breaking news:
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
just got my engagement photos