One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
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I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix