everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
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At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
And bowling should be called pinball
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
what the hell pray for carter everyone