Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
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“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I think they could have phrased this better
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it