Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
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You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Me My dog
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?