Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
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PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.