[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
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Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”