Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
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Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.