An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
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I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever